Unison Parenting Blog: What If My Kid is a Bully?

Yep, bullying still exists. Despite anti-bullying programs, the age-old torment of fellow classmates or teammates goes on. I’ll spend this post and my next on bullying. Here, I ask, what if your kid is one of the bullies?

According to StopBullying.gov, there are four factors in bullying. First, it could be the school's culture. The school's leadership may be weak in addressing bullying, look the other way, or deny anything is happening on their watch.

I was the new kid in town in sixth grade. My male peers were relentless in taunting me on the playground, in the classroom, and in P.E. class. I tried to combat it by ignoring them or by using humor. Entering seventh grade, the bullying stopped. I asked the bullies, and they said, "You proved you could take it. You're one of us now."

That is partly a school issue and partly the second factor, peer issues. My son, coincidentally, was bullied in sixth grade (middle school) by his core group of elementary friends, including a ringleader who had been a close friend. It was fairly inexplicable, but I believe the ringleader was feeling insecure in a new school and tried to rank above my son, a fellow top student.

Peer factors also include social power, allegiance to and exclusion from peer groups, and peer control.

Family is the third factor. Bullies may come from aggressive, violent, bullying home atmospheres, physically or emotionally. If not, they may lack emotional support or parental involvement. To map to the four parenting styles I talk about, these issues tie to Dominant and Neglectful parenting, two styles that exhibit low expressions of love.

Not surprisingly, the fourth factor is emotional. Bullies may have been bullied themselves, possess low emotional control, feel low self-esteem, or lack empathy for others. These could be built-in issues or cultivated by poor parenting.

If your child is bullying, I recommend the tough task of honestly looking in the mirror while also examining your child's behavior and personality. Your child must change, but perhaps your parenting must change as well.