Unison Parenting Blog: Sharing with an Emotional Child

Recently, I was talking with a grandfather concerned about his elementary-age grandson. Two months prior, the boy had lost his mother in her early thirties. He went to live with his great-grandparents. What the boy didn't know is that his great-grandfather is terminally ill and may only last a few more weeks.

This grandfather was rightfully concerned for his grandson's emotions and resiliency. He could relate, because he had lost his own mother at age 11 and had to learn how to live without her. Unfortunately, he fell into a lot of bad habits; it wasn't until he was an adult that he steadied himself.

I asked, "Does your grandson know of your experience?" The grandfather said no.

I suggested, when the time is right, to express to the grandson how he had also lost his mother and could understand how the grandson is feeling. However, the grandfather should not share the bad things he did; rather, focus on how frustrated and lonely he felt. The grandfather could offer to his grandson to be a safe place to express his emotions, because the grandfather understood and would not be put off by his grandson's feelings.

A parent (or grandparent) must strike a balance when showing vulnerability. Like the grandfather, they may have useful experiences and not-so-helpful experiences. It's best to draw out only what is helpful to the child - enough to build relationship and empathy.

Before I became a parent, a drug counselor told me if your teen asks if you did drugs or alcohol at their age, and you did, you should lie to them. The counselor said, "By telling them you used, you are giving them permission to use themselves. Their viewpoint will be, if my parent turned out OK afterward, what's the harm, then?"

So, while I didn't want to flat-out lie to my kids, I did try to manage the conversation to avoid sharing things I shouldn't have done. "This isn't about my experience; this is about your experience" was a useful comment. The point is, find ways to be vulnerable, share, and relate, but be careful of unintended consequences.