Unison Parenting Blog: Walking with Your Kids through the Emotions of Loss

"The Lasagna Period." That's how grief therapist Bryna Talamantez describes that time after a loss when friends and family provide food (like lasagna) and support to a grieving family.

Talamantez writes of her own experience, "Then, the meal train and people stopping by just ended.  After a few weeks, our friends went back to their daily lives and we seemed to be forgotten. . .Everyone stopped asking how I was doing with my grief."

In her case, she had lost her father. Then came the point when people stopped saying his name.

As parents, we need to guide our children through the emotions of loss. The loss could be the death of a family member (including extended family) or a friend. The loss could be a divorce or moving away from a familiar home or even a disrupted friendship.

When significant experiences are not discussed, says therapist Dr. Jonice Webb, a child may feel alone and isolated without an opportunity to learn appropriate emotional expression.

As I reflect upon my own parenting mistakes, I feel like I missed an opportunity during a substantial family disruption to give my kids a better chance to talk about what they were feeling. Oh, we had some discussions. And they received some counseling. In retrospect, they needed more of both.

What made it hard was I was in the midst of my own crisis about it. If I had shared my own feelings, it might have allowed them space to share theirs.

Parents should guard against what Webb terms "childhood emotional neglect." We need to walk alongside our children, teaching them to value, notice, and manage their feelings. It starts with us parents valuing and noticing the child's feelings ourselves.

In the September Unison Parenting newsletter, I discussed how the Loving and Firm parenting style is best. One aspect of this style is spending time listening to the child. If we can practice this habit, we'll be more attuned to how they're feeling when they experience loss.