Unison Parenting Blog: What Do You REALLY Do with the Cookie?

This is a summer re-run from 2024.

In my last post, I responded to an advice columnist's suggestion that an annoyed restaurant guest should send a cookie to the table of a misbehaving child. I discussed a generic process for making low consequence decisions. Now let's apply that process to this particular situation.

Let's first divide the situation based on a child's age. For toddlers, the key is distraction. I call it "giving them a new thought." It's not an age where a values discussion is going to stick. You're trying to train them but also trying to soothe them. I suggest accepting the cookie, using it as an instrument of distraction, and gratefully apologizing to the diner for being drawn into a child's training on public behavior.

For a preschooler or older, the situation is different. Now the cookie is a reward for bad behavior, so the decision-making is different too.

As I discussed in the prior post, assuming multiple parenting partners are present, quick communication is key, with thinking aloud, such as, "We have a cookie at the table. What shall we do with it?" Maybe a comment that asserts your values like, "A cookie is so nice, it should be saved as a reward for good behavior." Try to come to a conclusion while supporting each other and staying firm; for example, the presence of the cookie could trigger a new tantrum. Remember not to reward a tantrum or else you're just making a down payment on the next one. Focus on soothing the child, lowering your voice, using calming touch, articulating their feelings, and waiting out the storm.

A parent on their own should similarly handle the situation but review it as soon as possible with parenting partners. As I said in the other post, talk it out and have some forgiveness toward the parent on the spot. Take it as a learning experience for all. If a mistake was made, undo anything that can be undone but be publicly supportive of the decision-maker. Present a unified front to the child.