Unison Parenting Blog: Addressing Your Child's Fears

My two preschool boys had somehow developed a fear of ghosts. Telling them ghosts weren't real did not dissipate their fear, because somebody at preschool had actually seen a ghost.

Parental take 2: We discussed what they knew about ghosts, and I confirmed they sounded scary. I wanted to reassure their safety, so I told them our security system came with a special ghost alarm. Once I set the system each evening, the ghosts could not come in secretly. If a ghost moved, our system would detect it and set off the alarm.

It took a couple of nights for them to trust the alarm, but then the ghost fears went away.

Last week, I discussed how to address your child's specific fear of school shootings. This time, I will share a general three-part model for addressing your child's fears.

First, validate your child's emotions. In the moment of fear, show them how to self-regulate ("deep breaths"). Don't belittle their emotions. Later, discuss their fear. For example, "What makes ghosts scary?" "Did you ever think a ghost might be in your room?" "Did a ghost ever do anything to you?" Substitute "dogs" for "ghosts," and you can see the pattern of processing.

The second step is to reassure the child of their safety, such as the ghost alarm, but your protection can be more real and tangible. Note how clinical psychologist Dr. Rachel Busman stresses how you should not keep emphasizing fear and reassurance, which can take on a life of its own. Reassure them, and move on.

Not present in the ghost example is the third step, which is to gradually expose the child to the fear and give them more control. To use dogs as an example, you might start with reading books or watching videos of calm dogs. Play with stuffed animals. Visit a known gentle dog on a leash. Teach your child about dog safety: ask permission to pet a dog, let an owner guide you on how to interact with the dog, and remain calm.

Whatever the fear is, encourage your child and help them feel confident. Dealing positively with their fears now can make a big impact on the ways they interact with life as they grow older.