Unison Parenting Blog: Sometimes It's Skill, Not Will

A mistake I made with my first child was to start by assuming that non-compliance to instructions was a battle of wills. I handled them that way while a preschooler and often took that attitude as they aged into new stages.

Certainly that one could be a rebel (see next week's free Unison Parenting newsletter for more on rebellious children; sign up at UnisonFamily.com). But that wasn't always the reason for their lack of obedience.

The problem for kids of all ages, including teens, is that they may not have the skill to do what we want. I don't mean just physical skill, but mental, emotional, and social skill as well. Good reasons might exist for their lack of compliance.

We had one child who would simply not clean their room. It would get more and more out of control until you could hardly walk in it. Various consequences did not work; the child would not clean their room. I finally realized it was a skill issue; they were overwhelmed by the task. So, I would join them for hours-long room cleaning activities, showing how to organize, sort, throw things out, etc. Inevitably, things would deteriorate after each cleaning, and we would go through the process again. It felt like such a waste of my time.

But...after a few iterations, they understood and finally were able to manage their room alone. That skill continued to be exhibited into the college years and adulthood.

It's important that parenting partners see the situation in the same way. Emotions can cause us to become harsher, doling out more punishments or lashing out in anger at the child. It's useful for one parent to put the brakes on the other, bringing up alternatives behind closed doors. Raise the topic of skill - "What if this is a skill issue?" - and try different tactics to assess and improve their skill on the matter.

When you're seemingly fighting a battle of wills, keep open the possibility the child is battling their own lack of skill.